I’m half potato on my dad’s side
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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
so weird how every mom was born today
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.