white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
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As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol