I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
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Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Message from the dog groomers
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.