PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
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a wizard dating app called bumbledore
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are