Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
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doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?