Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
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Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”