Had an epiphany today.
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i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Time heals everything 🙂
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist