I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
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Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
who wants to go expliring
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.