Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
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If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Breaking news:
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]