*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
You Might Also Like
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.