*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
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The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.