Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Watermelon Boss!
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
not seeing the problem
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.