My favorite farside!!
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Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.