Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
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Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.