Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
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Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.