If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
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“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Merry Christmas
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911