The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
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You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
pizza
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby