Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
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Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
broke down and did it
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]