Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
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Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.