Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
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Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like