How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
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Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home