I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
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*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Baller is short for ballerina
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
The little toadstool has spoken.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*