ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
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me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
i spent way too long on this
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
wut hotdog?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked