every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
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It do be feeling this way.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Holy moly
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
How software testing works
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
waiting for halloween be like:
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?