My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Birds & Planes.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park