When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
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E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait