Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
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One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it