Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
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Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I don’t make the rules sorry
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?