ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
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Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
time for some seasonal decor