Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
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Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.