Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
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Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave