The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
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The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Lmfaoooooo
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.