Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
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“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.