(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house