3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
You Might Also Like
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
“TGIM!” – My liver
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.