Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
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Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.