Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
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*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!