Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
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I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.