ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
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I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.