For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
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My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
How actors in movies eat their food
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
no such thing as a dumb question
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.