I put the p in pants.
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Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.