me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
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My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Cndnsd Mlk
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.