Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
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Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”