Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
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Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
finally
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?