Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
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I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.