If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
You Might Also Like
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”