Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
You Might Also Like
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.