I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
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Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Breaking news:
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.