Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
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My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.