I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
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Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Wednesday
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”